


let’s burn all the bridges, then

by lorelaislatte



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: AU, F/F, One Shot, i don’t have any funny tags for this one just read the description ig, low-key saving each other but not really knowing it yet, this is uh. something, tw for discussions of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28908828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorelaislatte/pseuds/lorelaislatte
Summary: “Are you gonna do it?”Jamie whips her head around to find a small blonde woman standing a few feet away on the bridge, looking about as desperate as she is. She’s wrapped up in a jumper, blonde hair thrown about in the wind, a heavy look of sadness in the furrow of her brow, the slight downturn in her mouth.Jamie knows that look well.“Dunno. Are you?”
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 42
Kudos: 200





	let’s burn all the bridges, then

**Author's Note:**

> so some obvious trigger warnings for suicide here (and maybe...not what i should be writing when i’ve been off my meds for like a week but i’m alright and FINALLY renewing my prescription tomorrow assuming someone picks up the fucking phone this time) 
> 
> this is...very different from my usual. i saw a fringe play on this idea a couple of years ago and it’s always lingered - though this isn’t the new au i’m talking about in love shack, it’s a one shot and it’s remaining that way. 
> 
> i obviously don’t want to romanticise anything here, hence why there’s no obvious romance/salvation/ending. i’ve struggled with this shit for a long ass time, and it’s really, really shit. i know that. i just hope someone else finds this as reassuring as i have.

It’s _freezing._

She’s been pacing back and forth for ten minutes at most, but _God,_ it feels like forever. She doesn’t even know what she’s thinking about. Everything. 

Nothing.

The wind howls around her in the dark night, the faint lights of the city in the distance. The bridge is long, empty, stretching over a wide, vicious lake. It’s too dark to see anything but the tops of the fir trees surrounding it, the moonlight illuminating just enough for Jamie to make out. Her hair is beyond detangling, pulled in every direction around her ears and her face, messing up into one huge clump at the back. 

Oh well. 

It’s not like it’ll matter in about ten minutes. 

She steps towards the edge, assessing the barrier. It’s tall enough to rest her arms on, but easy enough to hop over. The fall is deep, the river a rushing frenzy of currents. Her chances of survival are low. If the fall doesn’t get her, the cold will. If the cold doesn’t, the river will. 

Her therapist in her teens would have a fucking field day with her now. Jamie Taylor, always meant to be the strong one. Meant to take care of her family, meant to raise kids when she was just a kid herself. Self-sufficient, independent, unbreakable Jamie. 

It’s all very well for people to say that in the moment. She wonders if any of them had ever actually believed it. Jamie hadn’t. 

“Are you gonna do it?”

Jamie whips her head around to find a small blonde woman standing a few feet away on the bridge, looking about as desperate as she is. She’s wrapped up in a jumper, blonde hair thrown about in the wind, a heavy look of sadness in the furrow of her brow, the slight downturn in her mouth. 

Jamie knows that look well. 

“Dunno. Are you?”

The blonde shrugs. 

“I don’t know either. I think so. Maybe.”

Jamie takes a step towards her, shivering in the crying wind. A hollow voice inside her taunts her for not bringing a coat. _Can’t even kill yourself right, Taylor. Good one._

 _Shut it,_ she thinks. She takes another step towards the woman, offers her something between a smile and a quirk of her lips, wondering exactly which of the Gods above had decided to have a bit of fun with her tonight. The irony of trying to escape from the world only to have someone else in it show right up with you.

“Alright then. What’s your deal?”

The blonde bites her lip, and Jamie can see the exact moment she thinks _fuck it_. “I, uh. I’m engaged. To a man. I’m a lesbian. And my mom is a homophobic alcoholic, and I don’t have a job, or any money, and I don’t know where to go even if I _could._ All my friends are his friends first. I haven’t left the house in a month. I can’t face another day of it.”

“Sounds rough.”

“Yeah. How about you?”

Jamie lets out an empty laugh. “Let’s see. Homeless, ex-jailbird, unemployed, no family, no money, no prospects. Oh, and it’s really _fucking cold.”_

The woman cracks a smile at that. “Yeah. Yeah, I kinda wish I’d brought a jacket. Didn’t think I’d need one, y’know.”

“Yeah.”

They lapse into silence again, the intimate confessions between strangers feeling both heavy and soothing. The two of them have nothing to lose, and there’s a sense of companionship in it. Jamie looks out over the rushing water below, resting her forearms on the side of the bridge. It’s almost funny, how she’d come here with the intention of ending everything, yet feels such heartache at the thought of somebody else doing the same. She understands, better than anyone this woman knows, by the sounds of it. But she doesn’t think she can live with the knowledge that if she goes, this woman is going to follow her. 

“Look,” she says, turning slightly to face the blonde. “I know I’m not exactly the poster child of it-gets-better right now. But, the gay thing - I get it. I’m the same. And that honestly, _honestly_ , is the one thing I get some real joy out of.”

The woman is quiet, looking down as she absorbs and processes. “When did you know?”

It’s not the question Jamie expected, but she thinks on it. “Fifteen, I think? Some girl in my science class. She used to leave me notes and sit a bit close and I just thought, _fuck,_ guess this explains a lot.”

“What happened?”

Jamie shrugs, looking back over the water. “Not a lot. Kissed her, once, but she panicked, switched classes, and that was that. Blanked me in the hallways, but she didn’t tell anyone. Dunno why. She didn’t owe me anything.”

The blonde mirrors her movements. “I was twelve. Playing at school with some of the other girls, and they were doing make-believe weddings. We didn’t have any boys in the group, so I pretended to be the groom. My best friend kissed me on the cheek. I didn’t really know what it meant, but I liked it. A lot. Just evolved from there.”

“And you never told anyone?”

The woman shakes her head. “No. Not until you, tonight. I can’t. I’m already _Dani Clayton, there to make Eddie a better man._ It’s a small town. I can’t get out.”

“Dani? That’s your name?”

“Yeah. Well, Danielle. But I like Dani more.”

“Well. Dani Clayton. I’m Jamie. Pleasure to spend our last moments with you.”

 _Dani_ smiles and Jamie is almost positive she sees the faint shine of tears in her eyes. She wonders how much of a difference she could have made if she’d appeared in Dani’s life earlier. If the vague kindness Jamie’s displaying tonight is enough to make her cry, she can’t help but imagine what could have happened if they’d met a year ago, two years ago, hell, two weeks ago. 

“Is it weird if I say I don’t want you to do it?”

Dani’s words drift in the wind, held in captive silence between them. 

“I was just thinking the same about you.”

Dani takes a step towards her, and stops again, turning her head to look into the river. “It’s like, I want to. I really, really want to. But if I do, then I think you will too. And I don’t want that.”

Jamie shoves her hands in her pockets, unsure how to answer. She wishes more than anything she had the power to take Dani’s problems away, to let Dani do the same, but God fucking _damn_ her, she can’t. She doesn’t know how. 

“I don’t want that for you either.”

“You’re from England?”

Jamie blinks at the abrupt change in topic, but nods. “Yeah. Lancashire, then London, for a bit. Living in my truck at the moment. Sounds more fun than it is.”

“Sounds _propa’ excitin’”_

Jamie can’t stop the unexpected shriek of laughter that leaves her at Dani’s attempt at her accent. The absurdity of the setting, the hysteria she feels, the sheer fucking _ridicule_ of getting her accent imitated by a stranger on a bridge who coincidentally also plans to die there overwhelms her, and she can’t stop laughing, not even as her stomach hurts and her cheeks ache. Dani can’t hold back either, the sound of her giggling bringing something that feels a lot like hope into the air. “That bad, huh?”

“Dear God,” Jamie says, wiping her eyes. “Worse. So much worse.”

Their giggles return to smiles, and a silence falls again, feeling more peaceful than the last. The moon shines high above them, the rustling of the trees sounding more like an ambiance than a threat in the wind. 

“You know, I don’t actually remember the last time I laughed. Properly, I mean.”

Jamie swears Dani has inched just a little closer to her. She can feel the warmth of her body, an anchor in the waves of frost washing over them. She realises pretty quickly that she doesn’t remember the last time she did either. Isn’t sure of the last time she even saw a friendly face. Wonders if she ever actually has. 

“Glad to be of service. Your laugh is beautiful.”

Dani blushes, and Jamie feels a warmth flood through her, as if even her body is unconsciously trying to keep her around long enough to hear that sound again. 

“I have a proposition.”

“Sure.”

Jamie takes a deep breath, turning to face Dani properly. “If we still feel like this tomorrow, we’re out of here. But for tonight, while we both don’t want the other to go, come back with me. Sit in the truck, watch the stars, tell each other shitty things on our bucket lists. I’ve got blankets.”

Dani looks at her for a long, long moment. She closes her eyes, clearly evaluating Jamie’s proposal, weighing up the pros and cons. 

“I mean, I guess I wasn’t planning on going home tonight anyway. So, uh, yeah. Sure. Okay. It’ll keep you here, anyway.”

“Keeps you here too.”

“Checkmate,” Dani says, and Jamie feels the tiniest burst of optimism in her chest. A feeling of accomplishment she’d long forgotten, the sense that even if tomorrow rolls around and she feels just as awful as usual, she’s made a difference to _someone_. Helped someone. Even just for a few hours. 

It feels good to feel like she can still have a positive impact on someone.

She lets herself have one last look at the water, one last moment of hesitation, before she feels Dani’s frozen hand take hold of hers. She nods, and Dani returns the nod with a small, hesitant smile. Jamie’s truck isn’t far, and they walk in silence. There’s no pressure of conversation, no need for small talk. They just _are._

Dani sits on a rock as Jamie hoists out pillows and blankets from the back seat of her truck, fishing a couple of jumpers out as well, handing one to Dani. She helps her climb in, smiling at Dani’s quiet _shit_ as she almost trips over the back, and hoists herself up behind her. Dani settles in the bed of the truck, gets comfortable, pats the space next to her as Jamie clambers over. 

Jamie settles in, feels the length of Dani pressed against her. The front of the truck shields them from the worst of the wind, and despite the chill, the night is clear. Jamie points out the Virgo constellation, asks if Dani knows about the story of Persephone. She doesn’t. 

“She’s one of the Greek goddesses, daughter of Zeus and Demeter, wed to Hades. They say she’s where the seasons come from. She splits her time between our world and the underworld, half and half. She loves Hades, but she loves the Earth, the life and nature on it. So, when she’s here, it’s warm, sunny. The world greets her with flowers and trees. And when she goes back to Hades, the world grows cold for the winter. Shuts itself down, waits for her to come back. Trusts that she will. Trusts that she _always_ will.”

She hears a sniff next to her, and turns her head to see wiping away a tear. “Hey, Dani, it’s okay. It’s _okay.”_

Dani’s muffled sniff turns into a full on sob, and Jamie practically sees the floodgates open. She’s lived with herself long enough to know exactly what it looks like to lose the last of your defences, to have the last brick wall knocked out of your fortress, to finally have to really _feel_ what you’re trying so hard to run from. That’s the beauty of what exists here, she _gets_ it. In a way that Dani doesn’t have to explain, or justify. She just _knows._

“I’m so sorry,” Dani chokes out, her body wracking with the force of her tears. Jamie reaches an arm around her, pulls Dani in close, shushes her gently and tells her it’s okay, that she can cry for as long as she wants, that she doesn’t have to say why if she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t know how long they sit like that, Dani’s weeping gradually slowing down.

Jamie tells her more Greek mythology, working her way through Athena, Medusa, Arachne, Demeter, all the stories she’d read and memorised over the years. Dani listens in quiet awe, joins in every now and again to ask a question about them. She’s still a little sniffly, but calmer now, and Jamie assumes that a good honest cry has been a very long time coming. Jamie feels like she never turns off the waterworks, not when she’s by herself anyway, and feels a strange feeling of almost gratitude for being by herself. Dani doesn’t seem to have had any privacy, anywhere to just _feel_ what she’s feeling. Jamie doesn’t like to let herself, but Dani seems to be physically unable to. 

“I have a follow up to your idea.”

Jamie looks at her quizzically, Dani’s voice breaking her out of her thoughts. “I’m all ears.”

“Tomorrow, if we both wake up and we feel even a tiny bit better, we drive. Somewhere. I don’t care where, or if you drop me off along the way and we never see each other again. We just _go.”_

Jamie can’t help but picture it, picture her and Dani off in the sunset. She’s not stupid, she knows all of the hurt and pain that led to their meeting isn’t going to go away with a pretty smile and a coastal town. But she has the equally comforting knowledge that it doesn’t _matter._ She quite literally can’t make things worse, and it sounds as if Dani can’t either. They’ve been at rock bottom for so long that there’s nowhere left to dig. And maybe - just maybe - they can keep each other going for _just_ long enough to make a difference. She doesn’t have a map, no sense of the land she arrived in that evening, but something about the unknown makes it all the more inviting. The realisation that she can kill herself without killing herself, that she can leave a version of herself here, standing at the bridge, and take the rest of her elsewhere, see if she can find a way to remember what it’s like to feel like a person again. 

Wonders if she can help Dani do the same. 

She meets Dani’s eyes, sees the hesitation in them, and nods. “Alright. You and me, then. Drive until we find somewhere else.”

Dani’s smile is the best thing Jamie thinks she’s ever seen. 

“We could go anywhere. San Francisco is nice, apparently. Or down in the top bit, where Oregon is. Find a bit of sand, some hills, somewhere pretty.”

“Yeah. I’ve only seen Iowa before, so I’ll go anywhere. Doesn’t matter, does it? Can’t get worse than this.”

Dani huddles under the blanket with her, rests her head on Jamie’s shoulder, smiles at the small kiss Jamie places in her hair. _One day at a time, then_ , Jamie thinks.

One day at a time. 

**Author's Note:**

> whew. thank you for reading. and if anyone else is struggling: you’ve got me and carrie fisher on your side. and we’re much more powerful than anything your fuckass brain can try to tell you. xx


End file.
